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My pet hates 16 – Dense, daft writing

Fancy some laughter therapy to strengthen your immune system or how about joining a colour therapy session to boost your self-confidence? These are only two healing methods on offer in a directory listing therapy centres in England. Another thing they have in common is muddled writing.

I am sure all the healers listed are well-meaning people who believe they can, for a price, help you and me overcome all sorts of problems. For example, massage and hypnotherapy are well-known treatments for various ailments.

But it is the way some of them present their skills that leaves me, your retired grumpy old editor, mystified. I stumbled on the directory the other day.

Laughter therapy is obviously no laughing matter if you believe the Laughter Facilitator, who writes that, among other things, it does boost your immune system and “acts as an aerobic exercise”. How daft is that?

I am not sure what colour therapy is about but the Colour Practitioner writes that the language of colour can help us “learn to develop a more fulfilling relationship with ourselves”.

But there is more to come. I am now going to name the top three therapists in terms of dense, daft writing. The practitioners of inner light holistics and cosmic healing are worthy candidates, but third prize must go to the entry promoting emotional freedom technique for its sheer banality and lack of punctuation.

“We all want to love and be loved,” the practitioner writes. “Sometimes that’s easier said than done. I can help you if You feel heart-broken, sad or lonely. Are having trouble with relationships that don’t meet your needs Want to attract your perfect partner but find yourself on your own”

I like the way the sentences are running on and on in the absence of commas and how the conclusion is left hanging without a full stop. So daft. Well done!

Runner-up is the Crystal Healing guru, who writes that crystals are laid on or around the vital energy centres of the body, so-called chakras. “As the vibrational frequency of the aura (energy field around the body) raises [sic], whatever mental, emotional or subconscious patterns are stuck within, will surface to be cleansed, healed and released.”

Amazing density, but the entry does not come close to the winner for daftness.

Top honours go to our Certified Relationship Educator, who adds an element of business gobbledygook to a fine example of genuine hogwash. “To love, is our human desire, but like day and night, good and bad are natural cycles of any relationship. I educate you in the art of fully conscious partnerships based on allowing truth and authenticity and how to own your part in what you are creating together.”

I tip my hat to the author.

But I am not sure, on reflection, if I own my part in my marriage. I think I’ll ask my wife. I am sure she will tell me the truth and she won’t charge me a penny for it.

I welcome your comments.

Rolf Soderlind

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